There and back again

A year ago, I didn't understand what was happening inside me. I knew something was wrong and I had known for a very long time, just not what. Now I have some understanding and words around it, and more self insight. That doesn't make it easier to carry, but it makes it possible to explain. I am 51. I have ADHD, BPD, major depression and alcohol use disorder diagnosis. And I have two kids, 15 and 17, who live a five minute walk from me — and who I am not allowed to see. That is where the pain lives. There is a term for what I am experiencing: parental alienation. When children are gradually isolated from a parent, from grandparents, from people who love them. Love with nowhere to go. And the body knows, even when the mind tries to stay calm. I wake up at four every morning with my heart pounding and crushing feelings of guilt, dread and stress. An inner tension I have never experienced before. On guard from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them again. And still, I...

Life is life we say, and yes it is. But how we see it is very different, how we react and make up our reality is our own unique experience. Growing up is living this experience and believing that this experience is the only experience, it’s the true experience and things we think and feel are facts. It turns out to be quite far from reality. We are very different and experience reality in different ways. Many people will go through their entire life believing this and be very happy with it. No need to rock the boat here, as they will have a fulfilling and happy life. If you think of a little boy that is colorblind, growing up. There is no way he would question what he sees at first. But later maybe he gets into a fight arguing over how something is the same or different. It is not before someone helps him understand that he sees things differently, and therefore will have a different understanding of this aspect of the world. He is not wrong, nor right. He just sees things differently....

As a devoted father with mental health struggles, my love and care for my children has never been questioned by people that are close to me and know me. And more importantly I don’t question it myself either. In my darkest moments I have lost clear sight and gone down paths that a human brain isn’t meant to take. To realise this in the moment when I am better, is hard and heart breaking. To realise the pain and suffering you unintentionally could have caused is devastating. Listening to my therapist telling me how many of her clients, sitting in the chair I am sitting in, are there because of a parent's life ending before its time, and then reflecting on my own beautiful children is intolerable for me. And this is the exact reason why I keep coming back to this chair, doing my best. I am a true believer in that this is what we always do, we do our best. The very important point here is that: Without the right tools and support, doing what is best isn’t always available to us. Paren...

I have lost faith in mainstream news. I have lost faith in world leaders. I have lost faith in fellow humans that don’t stand up and raise their hand in protest. Watching the news from Australia is a sad navel observation of their world, safely tucked away on the other side of this flat world. Brutal police present at protests. My gut feeling is that most Australians are happy with this brutality and how the media covers the events. The genocide going on in Palestine is so horrendous, that my brain doesn’t think it’s real, it is just too wrong! Putin's aggression is an absolute waste, and shows how dangerous dictators are. The suppression of news and lies are overwhelming the world, telling us lies without any consequences. The former president Donald Trump can tell millions of people straight lies and still be considered a presidential candidate, where close to half of voters in America are willing to vote for him. I feel helpless in my own little bubble, trying to make a differen...

“You can always measure what you’ll lose, but you can’t see what you’ll gain.” - Kyle Cease I have created this idea that I am broken, and have no more useful purpose in life. My day is often a drag to be able to go to bed. This is clearly an unhealthy mental picture to have, and I can see that now. But in many of my darkest moments, I could not see that, and I could not see a way out. This was the world I was holding on to. I am glad I can use the word “was”, as I feel hope and I believe that I will get a better life. This brings tears to my eyes because I know how dark it was and how lucky I am to have made it. And that I can say "lucky" to have made it is a big thing. Thank you.

What is the ONE Thing I can do, such that in doing so, it will make everything else easier or unnecessary? “Ask the right question, get the right answer… the quality of any answer is directly determined by the quality of the question.” - Gary Keller Boom, another tool for my toolbox. This is definitely related to gratitude and focusing. Yesterday I was driving in the countryside feeling really good. And guess what, I felt like drinking, to reach an even higher form of euphoria. Luckily I had already made my decision for the day. So it didn’t really require much willpower to dismiss my unconscious mind presenting me with this idea. And this morning, I am very happy about that, my alcohol free streak is still intact and I feel good. What if I had asked myself the question, “What is the ONE Thing I can do, such that in doing so, it will make everything else easier or unnecessary”? In that moment, the answer would have been: “Enjoy your current feeling of well being, do what you planned to...

We can define willpower in many ways, and would often be described as multiple traits. The ability to delay gratification and resisting temptations to achieve goals in the future. The capacity to override an unwanted thought, feeling or impulse. A limited resource that can be worn out. The ability to stay grounded in a difficult situation, and make cognitive sound decisions. The idea of willpower being a limited resource makes sense to me, and also how the amount of willpower can vary. My anxiety, or alarm in my body as I like to think about it, is a drain on my willpower. Why, because I know drinking will relieve me from the alarm state, and it then takes willpower not to reach for the bottle. Staying calm with kids that don't do what they are told takes will power. To do what is needed to be done in a normal life takes willpower, especially if you struggle with depression. Getting out or staying out of  bed can then take a lot of will. The required willpower for different things ...

Being aware of your unconscious you. We are 99% unconscious in what is going on, but we walk around this place and believe we are 100% conscious. The awareness of this carries a punch to your stomach, a hunch about something, spirituality, religion or maybe even some enlightenment. For me it’s kind of a discovery, to be aware of how little I am aware of what is going on. Taking my feelings and thoughts as facts, rather than a gauge. I have started listening to a book called Anxiety Rx, where Russell Kennedy (MD), takes a deep dive into how he understands Anxiety. It has really resonated with me, and given me a new level of awareness, a layer taken off my onion and new tools in my toolbox. He is talking about alarms in your body, the knot in your gut, the feeling that something is wrong. These messages from my body have been strong and persistent, and a big reason for my drinking, because drinking dissipates the constant messaging. Now with this new understanding, I will question the me...

Sweet short and to the point. You can’t fix a problem you are not aware of. It is so easy to see in heine sith or with added knowledge. A problem fixed early is less work then fixing a problem late or maybe even too late. An example: If there is too little oil in an engine, an early fix is to top it up, a late fix might require some new parts, and a too late fix requires an engine rebuild. If I had the knowledge I have today, I might have seen the signals of my drinking, depression and anxiety much earlier, and could have done something about it. Instead I continued in the best way I knew, and let things continue to break down, while applying my energy in all the wrong places. I was putting my efforts into looking after my family, my work, finances and my x-wife instead of looking after myself. When things got so bad and I started questioning things, one of the first searches I put into a search engine was “bi-polar”. And this was my first awareness of something being off. I still didn...

I have discovered my biggest problem, and it is simply my lack of purpose. Why do I exist and what are the benefits of me existing? I can start by pulling out the obvious reason for existence, and it is reproduction. Tick, that is done and dusted, I have successfully reproduced. Oh, I have to look after them too, and not to forget my parents and my partner to keep guilt free. Both my kids are in highschool and can look after themselves. I am left with providing financial support and mental support. Mental support is probably my biggest purpose now to provide for my kids. And I think I am providing poor mental support to them, as I am struggling to look after myself, so how am I supposed to do this right? The metaphor is always, put your oxygen mask on first.

Life is a one way journey without any stops or breaks. If things break while on this trip, it would have to be fixed while moving. Most of us have not encountered big health issues in life, or we were so young that we don’t remember. For me my biggest memories of big events were my grandmother dying, my mum having a fall hurting her heel, and being away for a while and my son being born a bit early and spending his first 3 weeks in hospital.  It’s not before now, in the middle of my journey that this picture perfect illusion of life is starting to crack. And the cracks get bigger and bigger. I have so far lost my grandparents, which all were at their end station. I lost little Even, who was born at the same time as Markus, and spent time side by side in the hospital, his journey never started. I have lost 3 people from my social group Kathrine, Ingo and Barbro. Their trip got derailed by cancer, way too early, and all three left 2 and 3 kids with one parent. This was heart wrenchin...

Peace within is a powerful message. It is like a seed that must be nurtured and cared for, to grow and reach outwards. Without the right environment it will wilter, not grow at all or grow in an unwanted direction. Your seed is you in a nutshell. And when you take care of yourself you will have flowers on your branches and fruit from that. Liveliness around you and you will contribute to your surroundings. It is easy to think that there is something wrong with this seed, that it is the wrong seed, not good enough or after it started to grow and didn’t grow the way you wanted it to. And this is where we have to accept our seed, our selves, and take care of it as best we can. Learn from what care works best, get tips from someone that knows how to grow and learn from our mistakes. Inspiration taken from: Lao-tsu's Peace Prayer If there is to be peace in the world, There must be peace in the nations. If there is to be peace in the nations, There must be peace in the cities. If there i...

Most people would have heard the saying, to drown your sorrows, and that means with alcohol. Depression and alcohol are in a dark relationship, and they both feed on their own tale. It is a cycle that needs self compassion to be broken. To give yourself self compassion you need to somehow give yourself freedom to do so, and this freedom can be hard to come by. You will often feel trapped by external forces in your life, like friends, family, neighbours or even the person behind the till. This force feels like lead, heavy weights, pulling you down ignited by their looks or words of disapproval. The words or looks of disapproval might be real or not, but if you are in the depths of your struggle, you will make them feel real either way. I have lately found support and compassion through my partner and “This Naked Mind”, which has given me courage to question my beliefs, and managed to give myself compassion instead of punishment after drinking, or while drinking. These changes have to co...