There and back again

“You can always measure what you’ll lose, but you can’t see what you’ll gain.” - Kyle Cease I have created this idea that I am broken, and have no more useful purpose in life. My day is often a drag to be able to go to bed. This is clearly an unhealthy mental picture to have, and I can see that now. But in many of my darkest moments, I could not see that, and I could not see a way out. This was the world I was holding on to. I am glad I can use the word “was”, as I feel hope and I believe that I will get a better life. This brings tears to my eyes because I know how dark it was and how lucky I am to have made it. And that I can say "lucky" to have made it is a big thing. Thank you.

What is the ONE Thing I can do, such that in doing so, it will make everything else easier or unnecessary? “Ask the right question, get the right answer… the quality of any answer is directly determined by the quality of the question.” - Gary Keller Boom, another tool for my toolbox. This is definitely related to gratitude and focusing. Yesterday I was driving in the countryside feeling really good. And guess what, I felt like drinking, to reach an even higher form of euphoria. Luckily I had already made my decision for the day. So it didn’t really require much willpower to dismiss my unconscious mind presenting me with this idea. And this morning, I am very happy about that, my alcohol free streak is still intact and I feel good. What if I had asked myself the question, “What is the ONE Thing I can do, such that in doing so, it will make everything else easier or unnecessary”? In that moment, the answer would have been: “Enjoy your current feeling of well being, do what you planned to...

We can define willpower in many ways, and would often be described as multiple traits. The ability to delay gratification and resisting temptations to achieve goals in the future. The capacity to override an unwanted thought, feeling or impulse. A limited resource that can be worn out. The ability to stay grounded in a difficult situation, and make cognitive sound decisions. The idea of willpower being a limited resource makes sense to me, and also how the amount of willpower can vary. My anxiety, or alarm in my body as I like to think about it, is a drain on my willpower. Why, because I know drinking will relieve me from the alarm state, and it then takes willpower not to reach for the bottle. Staying calm with kids that don't do what they are told takes will power. To do what is needed to be done in a normal life takes willpower, especially if you struggle with depression. Getting out or staying out of  bed can then take a lot of will. The required willpower for different things ...

Being aware of your unconscious you. We are 99% unconscious in what is going on, but we walk around this place and believe we are 100% conscious. The awareness of this carries a punch to your stomach, a hunch about something, spirituality, religion or maybe even some enlightenment. For me it’s kind of a discovery, to be aware of how little I am aware of what is going on. Taking my feelings and thoughts as facts, rather than a gauge. I have started listening to a book called Anxiety Rx, where Russell Kennedy (MD), takes a deep dive into how he understands Anxiety. It has really resonated with me, and given me a new level of awareness, a layer taken off my onion and new tools in my toolbox. He is talking about alarms in your body, the knot in your gut, the feeling that something is wrong. These messages from my body have been strong and persistent, and a big reason for my drinking, because drinking dissipates the constant messaging. Now with this new understanding, I will question the me...

Sweet short and to the point. You can’t fix a problem you are not aware of. It is so easy to see in heine sith or with added knowledge. A problem fixed early is less work then fixing a problem late or maybe even too late. An example: If there is too little oil in an engine, an early fix is to top it up, a late fix might require some new parts, and a too late fix requires an engine rebuild. If I had the knowledge I have today, I might have seen the signals of my drinking, depression and anxiety much earlier, and could have done something about it. Instead I continued in the best way I knew, and let things continue to break down, while applying my energy in all the wrong places. I was putting my efforts into looking after my family, my work, finances and my x-wife instead of looking after myself. When things got so bad and I started questioning things, one of the first searches I put into a search engine was “bi-polar”. And this was my first awareness of something being off. I still didn...