Love with nowhere to go

As a devoted father with mental health struggles, my love and care for my children has never been questioned by people that are close to me and know me. And more importantly I don’t question it myself either. In my darkest moments I have lost clear sight and gone down paths that a human brain isn’t meant to take. To realise this in the moment when I am better, is hard and heart breaking. To realise the pain and suffering you unintentionally could have caused is devastating.

Listening to my therapist telling me how many of her clients, sitting in the chair I am sitting in, are there because of a parent's life ending before its time, and then reflecting on my own beautiful children is intolerable for me. And this is the exact reason why I keep coming back to this chair, doing my best. I am a true believer in that this is what we always do, we do our best. The very important point here is that: Without the right tools and support, doing what is best isn’t always available to us.

Parental alienation is something that was outside my wildest imagination. The power it has is so profound and could have lifelong consequences. To know that someone that was once cared for and chosen to have children with, can go to lengths to teach her own children to fear and reject their other parent is intense. And it doesn’t stop with the alienated parent, it includes grandparents and anyone that is close to the alienated parent, including other children in blended families.

As a parent, my purpose was to bring up and care for my children. Feed them, house them and love them. Teach them values and resilience in life. Show them by example how to treat others on their journey in life. How we treat our own parents, their grandparents. How we can make a difference in this world, by doing the right thing. Small things matter and they add up.

Parental alienation is the opposite of this. It teaches fear, intolerance, hate, suspicion and distance. And this hits me the hardest, because I feel like I failed in fulfilling my duty to my children, to bring them up and give them solid moral principles to stand on. Hate fosters hate and love fosters love.

The made up beliefs that are harnessed to make this possible, must be very hard to carry, and I believe it is rooted in deep insecurity and in trauma. The abuse has been going on for a decade without me realising it, and it has had an adverse effect on my health. Because of the isolation I have been subjected to, the story is completely one sided, and people that I thought would be concerned for the kids' well being and ask questions are sadly absent.

I love my kids, and this love has nowhere to go. It festers and turns into doubt, regret and loss. The inability to resolve this is eating me up, day by day. The absolute worst feeling is that they are being told untruths in a persistent and adult way that they have little defence against. The easiest way forward for them is to accept it and go with the alienator, to avoid internal conflict and pain. But at what cost?

I hope one day I will read this and think back on it as something dark and sinister, but at the same time something I have forgiven and resolved. I hope to do this with a healthy relationship with my children and maybe their children. Where we are stronger together, better educated in the ways of the human mind and last but maybe most importantly, with compassion and love.

Love Pappa

"If you're reading this, know that I am here for you. Pappa."