Coming home to a different home

Life is life we say, and yes it is. But how we see it is very different, how we react and make up our reality is our own unique experience. Growing up is living this experience and believing that this experience is the only experience, it’s the true experience and things we think and feel are facts. It turns out to be quite far from reality. We are very different and experience reality in different ways. Many people will go through their entire life believing this and be very happy with it. No need to rock the boat here, as they will have a fulfilling and happy life.

If you think of a little boy that is colorblind, growing up. There is no way he would question what he sees at first. But later maybe he gets into a fight arguing over how something is the same or different. It is not before someone helps him understand that he sees things differently, and therefore will have a different understanding of this aspect of the world. He is not wrong, nor right. He just sees things differently.

My colorblindness didn’t come from the rainbow, it came from my reactions and emotions to thoughts. My suspicion has been there for a long time, struggling with feeling different, acting differently and doing things in emotional impulsive ways. Social interactions have been a challenge, and early on I discovered alcohol as a cushion to cope with emotional distress, which later in life became a form of self-medication.

While a colorblind kid might just mislabel a crayon, not knowing you have ADHD and BPD has a massive structural cost to your life, mental health, and relationships. Getting to know this through involuntary hospitalisation from suicide attempts creates a grief and loss that is hard to accept. And writing this is part of my coming home, trying to heal, and to forgive myself for my own thoughts, harm to myself and stress caused to the ones that love me.

Another aspect of self discovery is that you become more open, more forgiving and get a much broader understanding of human differences and struggles. Seeing yourself in others might be one of the strongest emotional things I am experiencing. Having compassion and love for others is freeing, and opens the way back home. A home where you want to be, a home where you can be you and a home where there is room for people you love.

It is a long journey, but I am finally unlocking the door, back home.

"If you're reading this and you want to talk to me, I'm here. Pappa."