Your last Friend — Alcohol, Shame, and the Myth of Just Snapping Out of It

When you drink to be with your best friend — who is shaming you, blaming you, numbing you, and robbing your memories — you have descended deep into self-pity and a distorted view of the world. And the only thing that seems to help is to pour your next glass of wine down your throat. You feel so wrong and so defeated that you want to hide. You want to make the day disappear, the thinking to stop, your friends to go away.

You want to be alone with your friend in the glass. Not disturbed. Only for a moment, before you realise that you miss your friends. But then it is too late, your newfound friend isn’t sharing anymore. You see yourself in the mirror, and there is only you.

Your guilt, your shame and your hours of clarity haunt you. You remember things that shouldn’t have happened, things you said or things you did. You can hear the mumbling words from someone you thought would care. A sarcastic wave from the balcony, on your way to the bottle shop, when one bottle wasn’t enough. A shake of a head in disapproval, a sad look of pity.

In the back of your head, a much clearer voice from someone that wants you to suffer. Words like drunk, alcoholic or “just snap out of it”. Where do they come from, are they mine?

There is no excuse for someone making you believe that it was deserved. Playing with your compass, where north is up.

Constructing the perfect storm, gathering the onlookers, starting the show.

A call to the police, disguised as care and concern. Your best friend watching you being wrestled to the ground. The insanity of the situation. Degrading use of physical force, fueled by psychological abuse. Tricking the system to misfire, by a lie told about you.

Strapped to a bed, in a brightly lit reception of a small town hospital, with a piss bottle between your legs. Snap out of it? Was this a trick? You finally get to explain yourself — a five-minute video link grants you your freedom. Taken out with the leftover popcorn, and empty cans, the show is finally over. Nothing to see here.

You wouldn’t think there are many that would set out to lose themselves and their worth, become addicted to alcohol and lose their way in life. But this is exactly what someone believes, and that it’s just to snap out of it. This is one of the most devastating beliefs out there. It has haunted you and made you feel little, weak and worthless.

And that’s all it was, someone methodically pushing me.

Every push is so gentle, every pull too, but there was always more pushing. This tricked me away from my true north. For every step I took, on this false course, the further away I got from myself. One step, one push.