If I can just!

Repeat and go. I kept my life on track by keeping busy from one thing to the next. It was always something that had to be accomplished in my life, education, jobs, property, renovation, engagement, house, sailboat, car, motorbike, marriage, kids, job, paying off mortgage and the list went on. And the idea was “If I can just!”, then things would be better.

I didn’t really know that I was struggling with low moods, working hard on things removed the focus on the problem, and that’s what I did. I quit my dream job, on the spot, from a low mood episode, and still I couldn’t put two and two together. And trust me when I am saying it was hard to explain in the next job application that I had just left, without a good reason. It was around this time when I started to question my moods. And I remember one of my first searches for bi-polar.

It was when we were getting ready to move to Australia, that my depression took hold. I remember sitting at work forcing me to do the coding, to stop myself from just starting crying. I still didn’t stop, and question things. It was just to keep on powering through. The move to Australia was something that I dreaded most out of all, and I saw myself failing and our marriage falling apart. My goto was my kids and my work, and I did well on both fronts, somehow I pulled myself together by willpower.

My drinking was still only a weekend thing and this time in my life was when I should have stopped and said enough was enough. I didn’t have it in me to say what I needed or wanted. And I still struggle with this, from simple things to say yes to a cup of tea that is offered, or by myself food if I am hungry, or asking for a favour from someone. I was missing love for myself, and I didn’t care og give myself compassion. I used the vip, and did what I had done for my adult life, just keep on moving, just one more thing or achievement. If I can just!