My body, Myself and Mayday

I have treated my body as a thing, something that is here in this world with me. Sometimes I have been good to my body with exercise and good habits. But over the years when depression took hold, and alcohol became my go to for pain relief, and life turned from normal to difficult, I didn’t care about my body or myself. I feel strangely disjointed from my body. Me as in myself is something different that lives in my body somehow. The unlikely miracle of being born, is way less likely than to win the biggest money lottery in the world. For people that actually win the money lottery, there is no guarantee for happiness, and neither is winning the lottery of life.

I would not treat my belongings as badly as I have treated my body. By drinking too much, not eating, not sleeping properly, not exercising and otherwise ignoring other warning signs and pain. I am actually very happy with my body, and lucky as I haven't done anything for it. Except I guess thinning hair, a bit flab here and there and one missing ball. As I said, “myself” is something different, and something that lives inside me somewhere, and it is this “myself” that I have problems loving and caring for. And it is this part of me that is difficult to understand.

But there is one more part of “myself”, that is often the trouble maker. It’s the subconscious me, and I have little or no control over it in the short run. It runs on old habits, automated patterns, lust, reactions and is responsible for keeping me alive. It has been formed since conception, and is still to this day being formed and tweaked. And this is where my current journey is, to learn how to make subtle changes to it, using my continuous mind, and guide it in a better and healthier way.