Happy birthday to ME!

Well, it's my birthday today and that is not a day I would normally enjoy. When I was little I think I had so much anticipation, that when it was all over I ended in tears. Not because anything was wrong, just the scale of the release I guess.

As I got older birthdays became more difficult, and I really stopped enjoying it. I often ended up drinking to cope with social stress and the urge for a euphoric feeling. I have pictures of me with the birthday party ending in my bed with guests surrounding me, and me passed out in the middle. Not really a celebration I am proud of, wanted or remember. But I am sure it was fun! And that is weird saying, "We must have had fun as I can't remember it". This pinpoint the seriousness about the drug.

Turning 40 was a big scary moment, and I didn't want any celebration. I had started my slowly sinking into depression, but didn't realize at the moment. One thing I remember was that someone else wanted to celebrate me and canapes was ordered in, and friends invited. Well ment of course, and afterwards I was forwarded the bill, happy birthday.

When I turned 45 I was in rehab for 3 weeks. And the first sober birthday I had had since starting drinking, except maybe the military, but I can't remember where I was then. The rehab is called "South Pacific", and was all about AA. There was also talk about feelings, thinking, meditation, grounding and so on, but AA was the corner stone. I was enjoying it for a bit until I didn't. I realised what kind of money making machine it was, and I left with a bad tast in my mouth, without any followup program. And I was drinking again shortly after. I did AA for some months, but it was never for me. It actually made me want to drink.

Today I am turning 49, and I have been sober for 5 days. Have had one of my best birthdays ever, without any fuzz, just some extra care and love from my partner. Taking this little moment to reflect on this is also important, and to ask the questions why, why haven't I been able to enjoy my birthdays.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

BREAKING NEWS

Image
I have lost faith in mainstream news. I have lost faith in world leaders. I have lost faith in fellow humans that don’t stand up and raise their hand in protest. Watching the news from Australia is a sad navel observation of their world, safely tucked away on the other side of this flat world. Brutal police present at protests. My gut feeling is that most Australians are happy with this brutality and how the media covers the events. The genocide going on in Palestine is so horrendous, that my brain doesn’t think it’s real, it is just too wrong! Putin's aggression is an absolute waste, and shows how dangerous dictators are. The suppression of news and lies are overwhelming the world, telling us lies without any consequences. The former president Donald Trump can tell millions of people straight lies and still be considered a presidential candidate, where close to half of voters in America are willing to vote for him. I feel helpless in my own little bubble, trying to make a differen...
Read more

The trap of holding on

Image
“You can always measure what you’ll lose, but you can’t see what you’ll gain.” - Kyle Cease I have created this idea that I am broken, and have no more useful purpose in life. My day is often a drag to be able to go to bed. This is clearly an unhealthy mental picture to have, and I can see that now. But in many of my darkest moments, I could not see that, and I could not see a way out. This was the world I was holding on to. I am glad I can use the word “was”, as I feel hope and I believe that I will get a better life. This brings tears to my eyes because I know how dark it was and how lucky I am to have made it. And that I can say "lucky" to have made it is a big thing. Thank you.
Read more