Happy birthday to ME! — From Drinking-Fuelled Birthdays to a Sober Celebration

Well, it's my birthday today, and that is not a day I would normally enjoy. When I was little, I think I had so much anticipation that when it was all over, I ended in tears. Not because anything was wrong — just the scale of the emotional release. The anticlimax, I guess.

As I got older, birthdays became even more difficult, and I really stopped enjoying them. Then anticipation was replaced with dread. I often ended up drinking to cope with social stress and the urge for a euphoric feeling. I have pictures from birthday parties that ended with me passed out in bed, guests still gathered around me. Not really a celebration I'm proud of, wanted, or even remember. But I'm sure it was fun! And that's a weird thing to say — "we must have had fun, since I can't remember it." It pinpoints just how serious the drinking had become, and how ingrained it was in my circles. That was normal, and it was almost a badge of honor.

Turning 40 was a big, scary moment, and I didn't want any celebration. I had slowly started sinking into depression, though I didn't realize it at the time. One thing I remember: someone else wanted to celebrate me, so canapés were ordered in and friends were invited. Well meant, of course — and afterwards I was forwarded the bill. Happy birthday to me. The question still lingers for me: was it actually well meant? Or was it done to make them look good?

When I turned 45, I was in rehab for three weeks. It was the first sober birthday I'd had since I started drinking — except maybe during the military, but I can't remember where I was then. The rehab was called "South Pacific," and it was all about AA. There was also talk about feelings, thinking, meditation, grounding, and so on, but AA was the cornerstone. I enjoyed it for a bit, until I didn't. I realized what kind of money-making machine it was, and I left with a bad taste in my mouth and no follow-up program. I was drinking again days after. The reasons why I drank hadn't been resolved, or even looked at. I did AA for a few months, but it was never for me. It actually made me want to drink.

Today I'm turning 49, and I've been sober for 5 days. It's been one of my best birthdays ever — no fuss, just some extra care and love from my partner. A quiet one, and a real one, which is more than I can say for the ones I actually remember, and even less for the ones I don't.

She actually listened to me, took my wish for what it was, and respected it. My wish for no fuss, no extravagance is maybe some sort of self-protection. Protecting a vulnerability that needs healing. Maybe one day I can celebrate something, and feel good about it, be just me, and that should be enough.

Taking this little moment to reflect is important too, and to ask the question I still don't have an answer to:

Why haven't I been able to enjoy my birthdays?